I used to try to hide the fact that I have a mood disorder. The reason behind this is because one time I told a friend about my mood disorder, and he responded with “Ew mental illness is disgusting!!”
I’ve always been puzzled by that frame of mind. I didn’t choose to have BPD, so why should I have to hide it? Why should I struggle every second of every day to hide it? No wonder why I’m always exhausted.
I get depressed, I get angry, I black out, I’m impulsive, I’m always paranoid, and my anxiety is always getting the best of me. I do and say impulsive things, I can emotionally detach from someone with ease, but at the same time still want to be loved. When something happens my brain automatically labels it as “good” or “bad”, and then either the “good half” of my mind responds or the “bad half” responds.
By explaining my disorder maybe someone, somewhere will realize that mental health issues aren’t disgusting. If not, well maybe this will freak them out. Either way it’s a win.
A main side effect of BPD is impulsive behavior. When you walk into a store to get a pair of jeans and walk out with 10 sweaters, 6 skirts, 52 scarves, and 300 pairs of shoes, you start to think you might have a slight shopping addiction.
All joking aside, my shopping addiction and impulsive behavior have caused a lot of trouble in my life. Everyone tries to tell me to just not shop. Alright, if that works then why don’t we tell the alcoholics to just not drink? Maybe it has to do with the fact that just telling someone that doesn’t do anything to help them.
I am thankful that out of all of the impulsive and addictive behaviors that I could be dealing with, shopping isn’t too bad.
Sometimes a shopping cart is just full of shit, sometimes it’s a coping mechanism. Mostly it’s both.
Having traces of OCD and traces of ADHD in your disorder sounds better than having the full blown disorders. The key word there is “sounds”.
Sometimes they come out of nowhere, and all of the sudden I’m hyperventilating because my bracelet isn’t color coded. Half of my brain is saying “calm down, it’s not a big deal”, the other half is telling me to flip out and go overboard. Needless to say, that half of my brain will always win over the rational side.
When my ADHD comes out, you can tell. I’m jumping from topic to topic, I’m starting a new project in the middle of the project I was working on. Basically just say “squirrel”.
To be completely honest, it sucks when either disorder comes out, but the worst is when they both combine and I’m left trying to do a seven different projects perfectly.
I guess it’s not the worst, but you can’t always spend time chasing squirrels.
On your left shoulder sits the devil, constantly telling you that all of those bad thoughts are okay. On your right shoulder sits the angel, constantly trying to keep you from giving into the devil, and keep you on the right path.
Living with Borderline Personality Disorder is exactly like that, except the devil and angel aren’t on opposite shoulders, they’re the two halves of my brain. I’m constantly fighting with myself, and struggling to cover up what’s going on in my own mind.
I’m no longer going to cover it up, I started this blog to help erase the stigma of mental illness by being fully open about my own. I hope that this blog can open eyes, and help those living with any mental illness.